Making Changes

Watch carefully, the magic that occurs, when you give a person just enough comfort, to be themselves – Atticus

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Hey friends,

I have been missing the blog world for a while now and I have been holding back for a couple of reasons… My life has been going through a number of changes over the past six months and I am not one to share my personal details with the world. At the same time, I believe in true authenticity and being real with my readers. In order to avoid sacrificing my values, I chose silence instead of over-sharing or acting like life was splendid, when it was not. I am also coming to the conclusion that my vision for starting this blog no longer feel true to who I am. Even the title of the blog feels completely disconnected and it does not feel like the proper place for my voice.

Here’s the thing: I started this blog with the intentions of sharing about my life, about yoga and health and DIY projects and marriage. This would be the forum for me to share fun stories about building chicken coops with my father-in-law, having weekend shooting adventures with my hubs, and explain how I can still maintain my healthy lifestyle and love for yoga amongst the beer and goofiness of being married to cowboy-hat-wearing husband. But, that’s not my life right now.

In April, I decided the best decision for me was to move out of my husband’s house. I have refused to speak about this publically for fear that people would not understand. I feared that people would say things like “I told you not to get married so young” or “you should’ve tried harder,” etc. And I get it! I have judged people in the past for making decisions like mine and only now do I fully acknowledge that there is always a story behind people’s decisions that no one, other than the person living it, can comprehend. I also have hopes that I will still work things out with my husband and I figured that going “public” with any information about a separation would only make it harder for me to explain things down the road. I’m a people pleaser and have lost my voice for fear of judgment.

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And I would like to tell you that I am “rising above” and am posting this today with triumphant courage about how I am going to use my voice genuinely without fear of critique, but that wouldn’t be true. In fact, I have sweat leaking from my pits and have already erased and restarted this post many times. And I will probably make a few (hundred) more edits after I am finished ranting.

However, I still want to share my story with you. Not the messy details of my shitty situation, but the victory of getting up in the morning when I feel like it has all gone to hell. About how I am so grateful for yoga and being a teacher because it has forced me to get to class when I most needed it, but was most reluctant to get onto the mat. About how many times I have eaten chips and salsa and a six pack of beer for dinner, only to find new appreciation for my health food enthusiasm the next day.

You see, I did not want to get on here and write posts about how I have all of the answers and how I know everything about battling depression through yoga or eating healthy when you don’t feel like it. Because fuck it; that’s completely unrealistic. But I do want to tell you all about how much I try, some days harder than others… but I try to gear my life towards positive, towards healthy, towards something better than it is in this current moment. And I want to continue sharing with you.

Therefore, I may be slowly transitioning to a new blog. I don’t have a clue what that blog will be called or what it will look like or whether I will stick to it. Who knows?! What I do know is that change is inevitable and I do not owe it to anyone to be the same person tomorrow as I am today.

Besides, change can be beautiful, right?

XOXO Taryn

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2015: A Year of Growth

“Like wildflowers; you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people never thought you would.” – E.V.

Last year, my wonderful mother challenged me to pick a word for the New Year, rather than my usual endless list of to-dos and tedious goals. It was challenging to set my mind in one direction. What was I looking for in the new year? What changes did I want to make? What opportunities? What path did I want to lead myself down? A few things I knew for certain: I want to plant a garden, I want to learn more about myself, and I want to build my career and business. So, I chose the word GROWTH. And a year of growth it has been. (See my original post about Growth)

Let me start by letting you know I did not accomplish all of my goals or hopes and dreams for 2015. Some feel like they would get started, and fall, and I would continuously pick them back up again. Some lost interest in me, or I lost interest in it. Some things failed to be a priority. The biggest challenge of the year was my garden. I finally got the beds replanted, the seeds planted, and the irrigation in place. I rejoiced when little specks of green began emerging from the soil I so carefully placed. You can even check out my Instagram; I was overjoyed. Then, my 2-year-old lab experienced his own version of joy: digging in the fresh dirt and compost, thus ruining my beautiful new seedlings. I was crushed, but I continued on. My father-in-law and handy husband built me a fence and a gate to keep the dogs away from the side yard. I replanted my seeds, replaced my ruined irrigation lines, and was ready to watch my vegetables grow. However, in building this fence, we thought it was a perfect opportunity to allow the chickens more roaming throughout their side yard, out of the confines of their coop. It turns out; chickens also enjoy destroying my garden. At this time, it was too late to replant any seeds for 2015. I was crushed, momentarily. Rather than look back at my goals I didn’t meet last year and feel guilty about not accomplishing them, I am finding a new perspective. I have the opportunity now to see what on that list is truly important to me. What goals will I be sure to tackle in 2016? What goals or dreams lack the same drive they had last year? It’s a chance to refine my list, clear what is not working for me, polish those dreams that still hold a place in my heart, and move the f*** on.

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More importantly, it allowed me the chance to truly relish in all the things I did accomplish and all of the dreams I discovered throughout the year that I never would have dreamed to place on my visual board. I, indeed, grew.

BUSINESS & CAREER

I’m glad I enjoy being busy because if my business and career continue to develop at the same rate as 2015, I am in for quite a ride. I have been completely torn about my desk job for the last couple of years, working as an admin for a great community. It didn’t fulfill me or give me a reason to wake up in the morning or give me a since of belonging. It was a paycheck, mostly to pay back my college loans. However, this year an opportunity came up for me to keep my job working for a great company and move into a role I absolutely love. It is a job that excites me every morning, allows me the space to connect with others, and learn more about myself. It is one of those goals I had no idea meant so much to me until the opportunity presented itself and I jumped right in. I am loving it!

I am also pleased to say that both of my side jobs are growing too. I started teaching yoga in May this year and it is amazing. I am building a following, my students are transforming before my eyes, and I am even having to turn down yoga opportunities as demands are growing. It is phenomenal. Plus, my small business with Sierra, Inspired by Sisters is doing wonderfully. We are growing at a pace that is manageable, but challenging. We are finally bringing home some small paychecks, our reputation in our little town is growing, and we continue to have top rated reviews. I cannot be more grateful for the people who are supporting my dreams. I am seriously on a high right now just thinking about how far we have come.

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RELATIONSHIPS

I am connected with some phenomenal people this year. I am learning that there are so many different kinds of people, different kinds of friends, different kinds of relationships to be had. I am also learning that some people click with me better than others, and the crazy people-pleaser that is me has accepted that I do not need to keep all my friendships and it is not my responsibility to encourage relationships that do not seem to be healthy. I have met so many amazing people. I am incredibly thankful for connecting with a fellow YTT student, Jo, during our classes. He has introduced me to a different culture, full of acceptance and some of the warmest souls you will ever meet. Through him, I have met Vanessa, who is one of those friends you connect with right away and it feels like they have always been a part of you, even if you only met them 10 minutes ago. I love that they have got me out of my comfort zone, out into the world seeking adventure, but also turning inward and exploring within myself.

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I am also very grateful that my relationship with my husband continues to grow. It is always a challenge when two people come together, trying to merge two paths that do not intertwine very easily. It is a daily struggle to allow myself growth, allow my husband growth, and remember to come back together at the end of each day and grow together. We are starting to get the hang of it!

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PERSONALLY

I have a very strong belief that we should all be growing, changing, evolving all the time, throughout the entirety of our life time. I am pleased to say I witnessed a year of DAILY growth. I am serious. I found something new about myself constantly this past year. It really made me question whether I was growing at a more substantial rate than normal or if I was just so conscious about it that I noticed more than I normally would have. Maybe it is a combination of both. I learned to be kinder with myself. I learned that I cannot always get everything that I want to get done accomplished and that it is vital that I keep my perspective clear, rather than my to-do list. I have learned that I have a heart thirsty for adventure, eager to connect with new cultures, to engage with a vast variety of spirits. I have learned to be aware of my faults, not so I can mock them, but so I can eventually turn them into my strengths.

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I am more connected than I have ever been with myself. That is the best change I have experienced for all of 2015. I cannot even put the feeling into words.

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With that being said, I am very eager to see what the new year brings me. I am eager to share my word for the new year. I am eager to continue on the path with new friends, new dreams, new adventures. My goal is to share this with you something this week, but who knows where I will be guided…

Thank you all for helping me GROW in 2015.

Namaste, Taryn xoxo

Tricks of the Ego: Idols

“A miracle is a shift in perception. The moment that we choose to perceive our life with love, we can create miraculous change.” – Gabrielle Bernstein

I have to share this great book I am reading right now called “Spirit Junkie: A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles” by Gabrielle Bernstein (and by reading, I mean listening to her audiobook of course). I’m only a few chapters into the book and I already love it. She has a pretty down-to-earth message about getting in touch with your own spirituality, which she calls “~ing” (inner guide).

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This week, I read one of her chapters which speaks about the ego tricking us into idolizing someone or something, making them “more special” than others in our life. By idolizing others, it makes us feel separate from them, as if there is something within them which is better than whatever is within us. This is not just in people; it can be with jobs, hobbies, fashion, etc. Our ego makes an illusion in our mind that these people or things are better than us or that we cannot live without them. Outward projections convince us that there are those who are “special” and those who aren’t. This separation is a game the ego plays to keep control over us, encouraging the mind to remain critical of others and ourselves.

We forget one important thing: we are all one. There is no “better than” or “worse than”. Not only do we find others to be “more special”, but we identify ourselves that way too when we think of ourselves above anyone else. As long as these messages are filling our mind, it is impossible to believe in equality or oneness with the universe.

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Gabrielle encourages her readers to “out the ego” but admitting to the projections we are placing onto others, weakening the effects the ego has over us. Namaste, a very popular word in the yoga world, means: the divine in me honors the divine within you. Gabrielle uses a similar phrase in her book, stating: “the light I see in her is a reflection of the light within me.” We are all equal. It is so important that we stop idolizing others because we are all the same.

This week, I was very encouraged by this realization. I do have idols. There are some friends I follow on Facebook or other yoga instructors that I find myself idolizing all the time. I think thoughts like, wow! She is so successful and here I am doing nothing with my life. I wish I had what she has. Or similarly, I love what she does with her yoga teaching. She is so creative. I don’t have what it takes to compete with people like her, full of so many good ideas. She’s amazing, and I’m just me.

In thinking these thoughts, I am not only putting people on pedestals they can hardly live up to, but I am reflecting back my personal fears and criticisms of myself. Obviously: not healthy at all! So, I took the challenge to “out the ego” by contacting some of my idols. I even text my husband: “Honey, I am sorry I have idolized you and put you on a pedestal that is hard to live up to.” Of course, he responds with this: “wtf does that mean?” Hahaha! But seriously, stepping out of my comfort zone and reaching out to some of my idols was very empowering.

I sent this email to a yoga teacher-blogger-instagramer I love:

“Okay, this is gonna sound kind of silly but I am trying this new thing where I “let go” of idolizing people so I can start to see more equality among everyone. In doing so, I am challenging myself to reach out to the people I idolize in order to help me get over it. I think your success at such a young age in incredible and I idolize you for it and your ability to help so many people. However, I acknowledge that the same light within your resides within me too and we are the same! Thank you for inspiring me! (Sorry, I know this may be weird because I am a total stranger… hope you don’t mind!)”

I was so shocked to hear back from this busy entrepreneur. Her response was:

“Hi Taryn, Not silly at all! I actually love this… So, so true that we’re all the same and I’m so honored to hear from you on this endeavor 🙂 Thank you for the kind words, for getting in touch, and of course, for doing yoga with me. It makes my day! Big love, Erin”

I seriously feel better already and I encourage y’all to step out of your comfort zone and admit that you wrongly idolize others too!

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Namaste y’all! ❤ Taryn xoxo

My Little Word for 2015: GROWTH

“There are no great limits to growth because there are no limits of human intelligence, imagination, and wonder.” – Ronald Reagan

Ok y’all! I have a ton to get you caught up on but today is not that day… I am working diligently to turn in my yoga graduation packet this weekend and then I will fill you all in on the past month of my life! However, real quick I wanted to share my first entry for my “One Little Word” notebook for 2015. If you have never heard one One Little Word, I encourage you to check out Ali Edward’s website: aliedwards.com. More important, watch THIS VIDEO to get motivated to make your own word for 2015.

I created journals and inspirational collages for myself and each of my co-workers who wished to join me on this venture. I told them I would give them ideas (hopefully weekly) to journal about, reflect upon, etc. so they can really embody their chosen words this year and have a notebook that was uniquely theirs.

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For today’s entry, I emailed the group the following: “Take the time to write out your little word and reflect upon it. Why did you pick it? What draws you to this word? How do you hope this word changes your life this year or reflects throughout your daily life? Whatever inspired you, write it down. This will be a great page to reflect back on when you are not feeling connected with your word or have doubts. Have fun!”

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Here is my entry:

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My biggest goal for 2015 is to grow into more of the person I want to be, which I know is already hidden within me. This year, I will embrace the mud, allowing my personality to blossom above the ground and blooming for everyone to see. I want to embrace this quote that inspired me to pick the word growth:

“The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud – the obstacles of life and its suffering… The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life… whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness, and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one.” – Goldie Hawn

I have big dreams for my life and I must learn to accept that with big dreams come big changes. It takes wisdom, passion, faith, and support to step out of the comforts of the grounded earth in order to reach higher and higher – to fly. Growth is not a choice; it is inevitable. However, I get to choose my environment. I get to choose the soil and the amount of sun and the food. I get to choose how tall I grow, how far I expand, how radiantly I wish to shine.

          This is my goal for 2015.

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Thanks for reading! xoxo Taryn