Good morning y’all. (WARNING: Today’s post is full of pinterest quotes…. lovin’ it)
So I’m finally making a blog post. Don’t get me wrong: I’ve been pretty busy, but I have had time to write. It honestly just came down to a lack of desire to write about anything, or do anything at all. Mostly, because what has been weighing heavily on my mind is not something I really want to speak about publicly. But here I am, and I have a confession to make: I’m burnt out. And on top of being burnt out, I’m slipping back into depression, eating terribly, and complaining constantly. I’ve developed a bad attitude.
I’m been afraid to write about thing because I started this blog months ago when I started my yoga teacher training, with high hopes of encouraging others to lead a lifestyle that is healthy and promotes their well being, which is how I was living my life at the time. So, writing about how tired I am and how unmotivated I am to do anything did not sound like a wise choice. After deeper thought, I realized that it is unfair to hold myself to such high standards and it is good for me to let go of what I consider “failures” so I can move on and let go.
I’ve been busy, and pretty overwhelmed between work life, yoga homework, married life, weddings, birthdays, yoga homework, the heartache of loved ones moving away, the stress of buying a new vehicle, yoga homework, etc. Did you get the hint that I have felt a little overwhelmed about yoga homework?! For those of you who make a 45 minute trek regularly to attend your favorite yoga class, I applaud you! I thought 3-4 classes a week was doable, but I was forgetting about cooking dinners, getting chores done, dogs cared for, chickens tended to, and a social/family life to attend. So, I backed off on the amount of yoga I was able to accomplish to complete my course on time (and have hated on myself ever since!).
However, the two things that scare me to most are personal failure and disappointing others. I am very behind in yoga. I am finding myself unable of accomplish my normal level of homework. I am forced to tell people “no”… and it’s killing me! It is killing me because I am beating myself up about it.
I read this article about burn out. It explains there are ten signs that you are burning out (pretty much my current situation in a nut shell) and they are as follows:
- Exhaustion – yes, yes, yes
- Lack of Motivation – yup. Even a blog post sounds like too much work
- Frustration, cynicism, and other negative emotions – what I just described ^^^
- Cognitive problems – it’s like ADD, but I don’t have that problem generally. I’ll explain this problem below.
- Slipping Job Performance – and blaming it on #4
- Interpersonal Problems at Home and at work – my relationships are sucking
- Not taking care of yourself – not eating well and drinking more wine…
- Being preoccupied with work… when you’re not at work –I actually don’t have this problem, thank goodness!
- Generally decreased satisfaction – I know, I’m only unsatisfied because “I’m a terrible person”
- Health problems – probably due to #1 and #7… and stress
Here’s my basic, daily scenario (sorry, it’s long!): Force myself out of bed (#1) to shower. Drag myself onto my yoga mat to lazily (#2) do some sun salutations and I lot of floor work. Savasana. Start to meditate… decide meditation was accomplished somewhat in savasana and I have to get ready anyway (#2). Get to work ten minutes late. (#4) Work day consists of getting some things done, rolling my eyes at my co-wokers (#6) who want me to do extra work, reading an article on how to like my job better (#9), watching six buzzfeed videos, looking at my un-ending to-do list (#4), filling my coffee cup “one last time” (#1), running home for lunch to pack food for Tanner and do the dishes from last night, forget to eat (#7), complaining about all the work I have to get done, eat a couple crackers, answer some emails… Finally it’s 5:00! I’ll just stop on the way home for detergent really fast…. Spend an hour wondering the store (#4)… Get home to do yoga homework…hmm… let’s see. What does trikonasana mean? Okay, let’s look it up on the internet. Oh wait, but there is this funny buzzfeed video. (#4) HAHA love it. Gotta share this with my sister…. Then I’ll google trikonasana. Googling…. Oh shoot. I need to feed the dogs… Cool, dogs fed. Oh crap, gotta call my mom back. I can do that while I keep googling trikonasana. 20 minute conversation… don’t have a clue what she said the entire conversation (#6)… but I do have one sentence done of my homework. Perfect. It’s really quiet in the house; I will just turn on the tv for back ground noise. Okay, trikonasana description is done. Ten more words to go, not bad. It’s getting late though. I should prolly eat something, but I haven’t had time for grocery shopping lately… I’ll just eat some more crackers and wash it down with some wine to make me tired for bed (#7). I gotta be in bed soon so I get my eight hours of sleep so I can be healthy! Focus on homework… it’s due tonight. CRAP! Blah, blah, blah. Another glass of wine… Finish my terms and I finally head to bed (hopefully washing my face and teeth). Remind myself of all the reasons for why I was a failure today and how disappointed everyone must be (#3) It’s nearly midnight and the dog hasn’t been played with so he is running around the room while I’m trying to sleep.
Boom! Alarm goes off and I feel like crap (#10) but if I don’t get out of bed right now, I won’t do any yoga… but I can do yoga tonight instead…. I’ll sleep in. I don’t need a shower… It is long pants and hair-in-a-bun day and I will complain all day to myself about how horrible I look (#7). And of course, I won’t have time for yoga tonight.
Okay, so that was pretty long and annoying, but it is how my mind works lately. I tell everyone about how great yoga is and how it has cured my depression. Which it has, but that doesn’t mean it can go unchecked. I have talked myself into such a negative spiral. I am terrified I am a failure because I may not finish yoga in time and now my yoga practice is a stressor and not my release. I have made up the idea that my husband is going to be super disappointed in me for my failures or not keeping up with things, so I blame him for making me so stressed and the lists go on and on.
Taking a step back, I have realized a few things:
- I have time. I will admit, there is not a lot of extra time. But it is there and I can cultivate it by staying focused
- I am not a failure. So what if I don’t finish my yoga training “on time”. Life happens. I will get there. Hating on myself is not going to help
- I have got to let go of distraction. Turn off the social media and TV. I have got to compartmentalize my day to get things done instead of trying to kill three birds with one stone by doing yoga homework, relaxing in front of the tv, and eating dinner. Focus on one thing at a time, preferably in order of priorities.
- Remember my health is my #1 priority. If I am not taking care of myself, failure and burn out are inevitable. If I put myself first, the things I want to do will become easier.
- Lean on others. I am terrible at asking for help and admitting when I am unable to do something. Allow myself to lean on others for support instead of having an attitude that I can stand on my own two feet while complaining about a lack of support.
I am not perfect. My typical lifestyle IS healthy and happy and thriving. But we all fall sometimes, we just need to get back up and love ourselves anyway. A better attitude can help turn any situation around.
I’ll get off my soapbox now… Just needed to be publically REAL for a moment.
Love y’all, Taryn xoxo