Watch carefully, the magic that occurs, when you give a person just enough comfort, to be themselves – Atticus
I have been missing the blog world for a while now and I have been holding back for a couple of reasons… My life has been going through a number of changes over the past six months and I am not one to share my personal details with the world. At the same time, I believe in true authenticity and being real with my readers. In order to avoid sacrificing my values, I chose silence instead of over-sharing or acting like life was splendid, when it was not. I am also coming to the conclusion that my vision for starting this blog no longer feel true to who I am. Even the title of the blog feels completely disconnected and it does not feel like the proper place for my voice.
Here’s the thing: I started this blog with the intentions of sharing about my life, about yoga and health and DIY projects and marriage. This would be the forum for me to share fun stories about building chicken coops with my father-in-law, having weekend shooting adventures with my hubs, and explain how I can still maintain my healthy lifestyle and love for yoga amongst the beer and goofiness of being married to cowboy-hat-wearing husband. But, that’s not my life right now.
In April, I decided the best decision for me was to move out of my husband’s house. I have refused to speak about this publically for fear that people would not understand. I feared that people would say things like “I told you not to get married so young” or “you should’ve tried harder,” etc. And I get it! I have judged people in the past for making decisions like mine and only now do I fully acknowledge that there is always a story behind people’s decisions that no one, other than the person living it, can comprehend. I also have hopes that I will still work things out with my husband and I figured that going “public” with any information about a separation would only make it harder for me to explain things down the road. I’m a people pleaser and have lost my voice for fear of judgment.
And I would like to tell you that I am “rising above” and am posting this today with triumphant courage about how I am going to use my voice genuinely without fear of critique, but that wouldn’t be true. In fact, I have sweat leaking from my pits and have already erased and restarted this post many times. And I will probably make a few (hundred) more edits after I am finished ranting.
However, I still want to share my story with you. Not the messy details of my shitty situation, but the victory of getting up in the morning when I feel like it has all gone to hell. About how I am so grateful for yoga and being a teacher because it has forced me to get to class when I most needed it, but was most reluctant to get onto the mat. About how many times I have eaten chips and salsa and a six pack of beer for dinner, only to find new appreciation for my health food enthusiasm the next day.
You see, I did not want to get on here and write posts about how I have all of the answers and how I know everything about battling depression through yoga or eating healthy when you don’t feel like it. Because fuck it; that’s completely unrealistic. But I do want to tell you all about how much I try, some days harder than others… but I try to gear my life towards positive, towards healthy, towards something better than it is in this current moment. And I want to continue sharing with you.
Therefore, I may be slowly transitioning to a new blog. I don’t have a clue what that blog will be called or what it will look like or whether I will stick to it. Who knows?! What I do know is that change is inevitable and I do not owe it to anyone to be the same person tomorrow as I am today.
Besides, change can be beautiful, right?